Freaking Out

Why is it that we are always tested privately for the things we commend to others publicly?

Wednesday night I taught a class on Daniel 3 and made the statement, “Freaking out is not allowed.  Faith doesn’t freak out.”  So of course, last night, in the middle of a meeting, I completely freaked out.  Mind you, in the meeting, I didn’t let anyone see it.  I let the racing pulse and sweaty palms fester until I got into my car.  Once there, I let myself be terrorized by thoughts and projections. 

How does that happen?  I’ve walked with the Lord for so many years and I am acutely aware of His faithfulness in my life.  Not once has He abandoned me.  Not once has my hope in Him failed.  Yet here I am on the precipe of greater trust, and I am terrified.  I know all the Scriptures–“be strong and courageous…”  “do not be terrified…”  “the Lord your God is with you…”  I know these truths with my head.

And maybe that’s why I’m so completely disappointed.  My heart is still sprinting to catch up to and embrace what I know to be true.  I trust only in part what I know in whole.  This is what the writer of Hebrews described as “throwing away your confidence” (Heb. 10:35).    There, within stating the problem, I find the solution:  My only confidence is Christ.  How do I throw Him away?  By trusting in myself, more than I trust in Him.  Just like the disciples who ran and hid at the crucifiction of Jesus–forgetting all that He had said to them–I am running away. 

And the thought of running away from Jesus really makes me freak out.  There is only one direction for me to run to find any comfort and peace:  Toward Him.  Yes, I will have to trust Him more than I ever have before.  But isn’t that the point?